Always moving forward

These few months in Dallas have been an enormous struggle filled with challenges and obstacles. I have had a few days where I didn't think I could go on. But somehow I persevered and I continue to move forward because I don't have a choice.

I went from two part-time jobs where I was running around, making a little money, staying busy...to having no job. It's not fun. I love to work.. I love to be busy. I have had a few interviews and I have a second interview with a great company so I look forward to meeting with them next week. Hopefully by the end of this month I will be employed and looking for my own place soon. I really have been through a lot, emotionally, so I am ready to have my own privacy back where I can just go home and relax by myself.

I began dating a guy, M, at the end of July. He seemed wonderful from the start but I found out very quickly he was an alcoholic. I eventually had to break it off with him because I couldn't stand to see him self-destruct while hurting me in the process. He decided that his drinking had taken over the past year of his life and stopped drinking cold turkey. He has been sober 7 weeks. I found out just yesterday that he had lied to me about something I had asked him about when we had gotten back together. I called him out on it. He denied it. I had proof. He called me crazy. The emotions I feel right now are raw. The pain I feel is enormous. This had been such a struggle for us to fight for our relationship and to find out he had lied to me is inexcusable and I will not tolerate it at all. To say I feel betrayed is an understatement. I have never met a person in my life who could deliberately hurt another person and not blink an eye in regret or remorse.

I am taking steps day-by-day, minute-by-minute. But not having a job doesn't make it easy when you sit at home all day. I have found a church and I have been attending almost every Tuesday; it gives me great strength when I leave after service. I am going to continue to focus on making new friends, find a job, and moving forward with my life...away from people like M who are just toxic and bring nothing great into my life.

Argh. Drama.

So much has taken place in the last month, I promise I will give updates.

Highlights for now:

*Boyfriend out..boyfriend in...boyfriend out...wait, where are we?

*Death in the family

*New job prospect

*Old job out..

*New church

*New perspective on life

It's a busy life, I'm living it!

Work, Life, God, and everything in between

Well, I now have two part-time jobs which is very nice because it keeps me so busy. I do enjoy bathing and drying dogs but it is stressful, it is physical, and it is smelly...so I definitely treasure coming home, showering, eating, and then heading to a desk job for 4 hours. Apparently they really like me out there and they're trying to find a way to keep me full-time.

As for the Air Force, I won't hear anything until the 21st. Still many weeks away but I am so close. I have debated what I am going to do if I get selected. On one hand I was completely ready to compromise my future to be with my new boyfriend...I know that sounds nuts. You don't have to tell me that. I know how he loves Texas and his job...he would never leave. I thought, "Hmm. Settling down near my family would be nice. And the fact that he's not going to leave is even better." But after the drama that has taken place, I think that I need to get out of here. I'm not finding the success so far that I had hoped, i.e. a full-time job, and I am trying to be patient. But the more time I spend living with my parents, the more I want to get.out.now.

Don't get me wrong, they are amazing people. I just don't have my space. I can't come home after a bad day and just do nothing because they want to know everything. I'm not used to that. I like to keep my bad days to myself, I like to have my space and my quiet time. I'm not getting that. So when I do not feel good and I just want to be alone it just makes my bad feelings amplified. I know that my parents care about me and they just want to be involved in my life but a 27 year old girl needs her own place. I'm trying desperately for that, my own place...but until a good paying, full-time job comes through, it's not going to happen.

Most of my days are filled with happiness anymore...but then there are the days that come, when I am sad, and I think of my situation. And I agree, it's pretty lame. I have it WAY better than most people. I live in a beautiful house in a great part of Dallas with two people who care for me and love me. I shouldn't be so down. Perhaps the reality of not being independent has really sunk in and that is hard for me to accept. I have always been independent. I have been on my own since I turned 19. I think marriage and children have been desiring that after being unmarried for 2 years now. I want to be settled again

I know that I have to move forward otherwise the desires of my past will be my desires...and that is no way to live. I'm not. I'm going to keep my head high, know that God has a plan for me, hope that the Air Force is in my future, and carry on.

Head games

Why do some men play head games? At 36 years old and wanting a family and a wife, you'd think a man wouldn't be playing games, especially when he professes over and over again how much he wants to be with me and how amazing I am. Apparently, I'm wrong.

Texas: Born and breed. Back again.

Texas is my new home and I am thisclose to becoming a resident once again. (I was born here and lived my first five years in TX but then moved due to the military) I ran around downtown today with my new friend and got my vehicle registered but since I didn't have a birth certificate or passport, I couldn't get my license. I did get a Tolltag though, and that makes me officially feel like a Texan. Haha. No more stopping at the toll booths and paying, No ma'am, I can zoom right through like everyone else. :) Anyway, seeing those plates go on my car just felt good. I'm moving on from my old life and moving forward with a new one. Now, I just have to go and get my license and then it's official.

Another turning point today is that my douchebag brother-in-law did something very non-douchey. He got me a second part-time job. *Shock* Yes, he in fact learned at his job that they needed someone temporary, on contract only, to do some data-entry...and he thought of me. Surprised? I was floored. Anyway, it will be great to feel like I'm working full-time and nice to have the extra income! It's no fun to go from making a decent income, debt-free, and a nice savings account to teeny income and no savings! I'm just going to continue to work hard, fatten up my bank account as much as I can, and then when I find a full-time job, really feel start saving saving saving!

Right now this week has been off to a great start and I'm feeling more and more optimistic as the days pass. As I continue to just ease off the control of my life and allow God to do his part, I'm finding things are going much more smoothly!

Dark days

Last week was hell. Literally. I think I was in deep mourning for my job in Tucson and for about 3 or 4 days, I was in complete and utter crazy mode. I would cry for no reason, wanting to tear my hair out, in complete hysterics. This would happen without warning, especially at night time. I even took a pregnancy test to see if maybe that was the culprit messing with my hormones. Nope.

Anyway, I prayed. Hard. I talked with a good friend that I have made down here and we talked it out. And then I continued pray. Then I figured I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to go back to Tucson. That was home. I didn't fit in here. I didn't belong here. That was the thing to do, move home. So I called and asked to for my job back. Denied. And the strange thing is...once I heard that...I felt a weight lifted. I felt so much better and since then, I'm happy and getting better.

My boyfriend and I are working out those weird quirks in a new relationship (he hasn't had a relationship in 4 years!) and smoothed things out this weekend. Wow, things are so strong between us it is so fun and scary at the same time. We mesh. And that is an amazing thing. He was insecure because I kept talking about Tucson. How much I missed it and how I wish I could have moved back. He kept hearing me talk about my life...without him in it. Now I see that I have been doing that, I'm working on moving forward, to my new life in Texas with him. :)

Whew. Life. What a ride.

What to do..

I waited 2 years for that job to come through and it took me 60 seconds to turn it down. :( I love being so close to my family and just mere hours away from my best friend in Oklahoma so while I would have loved to move back to Tucson, Dallas is now going to be my new home.

I'm working part-time at a dog groomers right now, learning the trade. I figured if I'm going to get a little above minimum wage while I search for a full-time job, I might as well do something that I love...caring for dogs. It's not a bad gig at all, I just wish it paid $50K. Haha.

My new boyfriend is sweet and the similarities between us are so random...I love it. We'll have to see how things go at this point. I'm just looking forward to earning a salary again so that I can have my own place, money, and freedom. Boy, I miss all of those things!!